Daughter vs. Daughter-in-Law

There is a general belief that daughters can do nothing wrong as far as parents are concerned.

There is also a belief that a daughter-in-law can do nothing right as far as in-laws are concerned.

Of course, there could be exceptions to the rule, but they are rare. What surprises you the most is that only a daughter becomes a daughter-in-law, and her behaviour and attitude towards in-laws undergo a sea change. No doubt, it is a new house for the daughter-in-law, and a new set of people. Therefore, adjustment can take time.

But, unfortunately, the trend these days seems to be of 'no compromise'. "My way or the highway" is the maxim. In certain cases, marriages hardly last six months to a year. There could be many reasons for this situation: One could be the boy and girl feeling that they are not compatible and cannot live together. The daughter-in-law could also blame the boy’s family for being hostile. In many other cases, both the boy and girl decide to set up their own house, leaving old parents to fend for themselves. There are many such recorded cases available to study and refer to.

Here is what I think: These days, both the boy and girl are well settled by the time they get married. Both are earning well, and they perhaps do not want to share their prosperity with anyone. Why do they think like this is beyond my understanding. On the outside, they seem to be self-centered, totally moving away from values of compromise, family, adjustment, and flexibility. The present generation has somehow ended up becoming utterly selfish. Since the fashion today is nuclear family and being a single child is the norm, children grow up highly pampered. All their demands are met by parents, and they never learn the meaning of the word "no."

However, not that all daughters are angels. I know of daughters who ended up being very cruel and heartless towards their own parents. So much so that they did not turn up to say goodbye to their parents at their cremation. Reasons surprise me - right over family homes, and majorly money. Why do old parents become dispensable when their physical capacity to provide starts too diminish?

The question still remains: why do daughters-in-law treat in-laws so harshly? I think there should be more conversations around marriage, the role and responsibilities towards the family specially parents while our children are getting ready to marry. One can also not undermine the role of parents walking the talk on responsibility and family values when the kids are growing up.

As parents, I would first like to question ourself: could it be that we are not bringing up our children the right way? We are not teaching them the value of compassion, kindness, family as one unit concept and love for each other? After all, taking care of each other is part of our culture. What is very worrying is the alarming rate at which marriages are failing.

Often girls married into a family blame their in-laws for mistreating them while in-laws often feel that the girls are unable to try enough, and not adjust to the new environment. Sons are increasingly alienating themselves from responsibility of the old parents while more and more daughters are coming forward to take on the responsibility. Those with daughters are being able to survive better but what about those with only one son?

Perhaps the solution lies in teaching children from a young age, the importance of human values. Parents must prepare children to face the ordeals of married life. The problem arises when children do not understand the meaning of the word "sharing." Suddenly, their resources are their own after marriage and parents are alienated.

Marriage, on the other hand, requires patience, sharing, understanding, and adjustment. In India, we still marry into the family unlike America where each one to their own is the norm.

Let me narrate the story of an 85-year-old daughter, who still gets emotional when confronted with the memory of her parents. She has lived in a palatial house as a grown-up, but memories of her humble house, where she has spent her younger years, always remains etched in her memory. Whenever you go down the memory lane, you get nostalgic and emotional about your childhood. Childhood memories are timeless treasures and sweetest moments of the heart. There is no doubt that it is the small moments of childhood that make the biggest stories.

In the late fifties, we were staying in Lodhi Colony, New Delhi, when our father suffered a cardiac arrest and said goodbye to this mortal world. He breathed his last at Safdarjung Hospital, and his body was brought to our residence, which was Block 21, House Number 119, Lodhi Colony. Recently, my elder sister Sudesh revisited this place after a gap of 67 years. She went there in search of fond memories but suffered an emotional breakdown. Sometimes, it is not only happiness but also demons of the past that are waiting for you.

Let me narrate the sequence of events. My sister Sudesh’s birthday falls on April 9th. Her daughter Sona decided to take her to Connaught Place in her car to pick up a gift. They live in Faridabad. En route, they picked up Mona, the elder sister of Sona, from Sarita Vihar. Both of them expressed a desire to see the Lodhi Colony house where their nana and nani lived in good old times. They were sure it would make mama happy. Sudesh was elated and nodded her head in approval. As Sona’s car stopped in Block 21, Lodhi Colony, in front of House Number 119, Sudesh's mind was flooded with pictures of her father’s death. All of a sudden, emotional trauma hit her, and tears flowed from her eyes. She started wailing, "Hai Bau ji," as if in a trance. She kept staring at the entrance of the house as if her father would walk out of the house to bless her.

She was totally in a state of shock. Looking at her distress, Sona quickly steered the car out of the block towards Connaught Place.

Our daughter, Shafina, also lives in Sarita Vihar, and both my wife, Uma, and I were staying with her those days. On their way back from Connaught Place, my sister and nieces stopped at our place to say hello. The moment Sudesh stepped inside the house, she hugged me tightly, crying all the while. “Harish, I love you,” she said sobbing. “Never ever leave me.” I knew she was going through emotional trauma and assured her I never would.

Our daughter Shafina is our lifeline and saviour angel. Whenever there is a medical emergency or we need any help, she is always around. I still shudder when I think of my hospitalisation during the COVID period.

COVID had assumed gigantic proportions as a pandemic, affecting entire humanity adversely. I was its victim last year. Ankur, our son, was in America and was in constant touch with the doctors looking after me at Max Super Speciality, Saket.

It was Shafina who ensured that I received the best treatment. I was in the hospital for nineteen days. COVID affected my lungs and at times, my oxygen level dipped to 72. I was on oxygen for twenty-four hours a day. I was lucky to survive. Shafina left no stone unturned to arrange blood plasma, which was administered twice. She stood on her toes for more than two weeks in the hospital, running around during that time when people were dying just by being outside their homes, until she brought me home. Uma was also down with Covid at the same time, and Shruti was also unwell. Shafina managed everything during those unpredictable times without flinching an eyelid.

The big question is: why are daughters so much attached to their parents and maternal family? What happens to the same daughters when they become daughters-in-law? Respect towards one’s own parents and family is an excellent thing, but why not show a small part of it towards in-laws also? Here, I am talking of a general trend.

No doubt, good daughters-in-law also exist. Please do not think even for a moment that I am trying to undermine the value of good daughter-in-laws.

As they say, it takes all sorts of people to make this world. For ages, the good, bad, and ugly have coexisted. But unfortunately, what you observe in society is a general apathy towards in-laws by daughters-in-laws.

I personally know several cases where daughters made huge sacrifices to make their parents' lives comfortable, unfortunately I am not aware of many cases where sons and daughters-in-law came out of their comfort zone to bring little happiness to their in-laws. A classic battle is always on between the saas (mother-in-law) and bahu (daughter-in-law) to grab the attention of the husband/son, who is a reluctant judge. His verdict is usually in favor of his wife, as his survival depends on it.

I remember my sister Rama and brother-in-law Mohinder Chopra settling down in Bhopal after he retired from the Central Industrial Security Force as Deputy Inspector General. They had their own independent bungalow, and Mohinder found re-employment with an industrial house. They were well settled, but there was one problem. Rama was highly allergic and had several complications, including asthma. They had three children, a son and two daughters. Their two daughters, Mitali and Shivali, were settled in Mumbai.

Mitali had the foresight to anticipate that her mother would require care and nursing in advancing years. She persuaded her parents to shift to Mumbai so that the sisters could look after their mother. Of course, it required a lot of persuasion and hard work, but her decision proved to be right. Rama’s health has been deteriorating, and she has been in and out of the hospital several times. Through the dedication, love, and perseverance of Mitali and her sister, Rama has pulled through critical health situations.

Now, tell me, can you expect this level of care from a son and daughter-in-law?

I know of another case where a father required a liver transplant. He has a son and a daughter. Everyone thought they would look for a donor, but the daughter came forward and gave her liver to save her father’s life. She is young and unmarried but insisted on making this sacrifice. Her plea was, "I am young; my liver will grow again, but nothing is more precious than my father's life." The operation proved to be a success, and both father and daughter are on the road to recovery.

I also remember the tale of two daughters who pooled their money to buy their parents a flat just next to the flat of the daughter who lives in Dwarka, Delhi. The second daughter is settled in Canada. Their plea is, "Our parents are getting old, and if they live near us, we can look after them better." Remember, the parents already have a flat of their own in Vikaspuri. It only reflects the love of daughters for mama and papa.

Sometimes back, my younger sister narrated a heart-wrenching tale about a mother in Bhopal. She lost her husband, and her only son came all the way from America. His wife and kids stayed back in the USA. He performed the last rites of his father and persuaded his mother to come with him to America, selling their house and shifting her accounts. At the airport, he told his mother that he would be back in a few minutes after making some inquiries about the flight, but he never returned. He took the flight to America, leaving his mother behind.

The poor lady now lives in the garage of neighbours and earns a livelihood by doing household chores in the area. Believe me, it was a well-planned scheme by the beta (son) and bahu (daughter-in-law) to dupe their hapless mother.

Let us consider another scenario where a daughter would go to any extent to help her parents and siblings but would keep no connection with her in-laws. In several such cases, the boy is equally at fault as he fully supports his wife.

In earlier days, parents advised the girl at the time of her wedding, "You are leaving this house as a bride; please ensure you stay there until your last breath." Now, a bride is told, "Never compromise on your self-respect. The doors of your parental home are always open for you." It is a good thing; it gives the bride the confidence never to compromise on her integrity. But she should also be advised never to leave her in-laws' house in a huff over petty matters. Learning to be flexible, patient, and adjustable is essential.

Pray and hope daughters-in-law behave like daughters, and likewise, they are treated like daughters. If we can bridge this gap of understanding and compassion, perhaps marriages can be sustained, and this age-old institution can attain its previous glory again.

As we reflect on these circumstances, it becomes clear that love and respect should not be conditional. The family should be seen as a united front where every member is valued equally, irrespective of their role. Hence, both daughters and daughters-in-law must recognise that nurturing their relationships with each other is vital for a harmonious family life.

Ultimately, the goal should be building a legacy of kindness and compassion, where future generations see families as support systems rather than battlegrounds for ego and pride. If we can instill these values in our children from a young age, perhaps we will see a shift in the dynamics between daughters and daughters-in-law in the coming years. By fostering open communication and empathy, we can end the cycle of resentment and misunderstanding between in-laws and create bonds that last through time.

Only then can families truly flourish, creating a lasting impact that transcends individual differences and celebrates the love that binds us all.