Daughter vs. Daughter-in-Law

,There  is a general belief that a daughter can do nothing  wrong as for as parents are concerned .

There is also a belief that a daughter in law can do nothing right as for as In-Laws are concerned . Of course ,there could be exceptions to the rule but they are rare . What surprises you the most is that only a daughter becomes daughter in law and her behaviour and attitude towards in laws undergoes a sea change . No doubt , it is a new house , a new set of people and adjustment could take time . But unfortunately , trend these days seems to be no compromise . My way or the highway is  the maxim . In certain cases , marriages hardly last six months to a year . There could be all sorts of reasons like boy and girl feel they are not compatible and as such cannot live together . She could also blame boy’s family for being hostile . In many cases , both boy and girl decide to setup their own house leaving old

Parents to fend for themselves . These days , both boy and girl are well settled by the time they get married . Both are earning well and they do not want to share their prosperity with anyone . They are  self-centred  and have never learnt meaning of words like Compromise , Adjustment and Flexibility . You could say , present day generation is utterly , butterfly selfish . Since fashion today is nucleolus family  and single child is the norm ,   children grow up  highly pampered . All their demands are met by parents and they never learn meaning of word , No .  Not that all daughters are angels . I know of daughters who were so cruel and heartless that they never turned up to say goodbye to their parents on their cremation .

But the question remains , why daughters  in law treat in laws so harshly . Could it be that we are not bringing up our children the right way . We are not teaching them value of compassion , kindness and love . After-all   ,  treating everyone gently is part of our culture . What worries one the most is alarming rate at which marriages are failing . Girls blame in-laws for mistreating them while in laws accuse girls of not adjusting to new environment . It is still ok for those who have daughters to look after them in old age but what about those with only one son ? I feel solution lies in teaching children from young age human values . Parents must prepare children to face ordeals of a married life .  The problem is  children  never understand meaning of word sharing . Marriage ,on the other hand requires patience , understanding and adjustment .

Let me narrate here story of 85 years old daughter who still gets emotional when confronted with the memory of her parents . You may live in palatial houses as  grown ups but memories of your humble house where you spent your younger years always stays itched in your memory. Whenever you go down the memory lane , you get nostalgic and emotional  about your childhood . Childhood memories are timeless treasures and sweetest moments of the heart. There is no doubt that it is small moments of childhood that make the biggest stories.

We were staying in Lodhi Colony , New Delhi in late fifties when our father suffered cardiac arrest and said goodbye to this mortal world . He breathed his last at Safdarjung hospital and his body was brought to our residence , which was block 21 , house number , 119 . My elder sister Sudesh  re visited this place after a gap of 67 years . She went there in search of fond memories but suffered emotional breakdown . Sometimes , it is not only happiness but also demons of past which are waiting for you .

Let me narrate sequence of events . Sudesh’s birthday falls on 9th April . Her daughter Sona decided to take mama to Connaught Place in her car to pick up a gift for her . They live in Faridabad . Enroute ,they picked up Mona ,elder sister of Sona from Sarita Vihar   . Both of them expressed a desire to see the Lodhi Colony house where their nana nani lived in good old times . They were sure it would make mama happy . Sudesh was elated and nodded her head in approval . As Sona’s car stopped in block 21 Lodhi Colony in front of house number 119 , mind of Sudesh was flooded with pictures of her father’s death . All of a sudden , emotional trauma hit her and tears were following from her eyes . She started wailing , Hai Bau ji as if in a trance . She kept staring at the entrance of the house as if her father would walk out of the house to bless her . She was totally in a state of shock . Both her daughters realised their mistake and regretted bringing mother here . Sona quickly steered the car out of block towards Connaught Place .

Our daughter , Shafina also lives in Sarita Vihar and both me and her mother Uma were staying with her those days . On their way back from Connaught Place , my sister and nieces dropped at her place to say hello. The moment Sudesh stepped inside the house , she hugged me tightly crying all the time . Harish, I love you , she said sobbing . Never ever leave me . I knew she is going through emotional trauma and assured her I never will .

Our daughter , Shafina is our life line and saviour angel . Whenever there is medical emergency or we need help , she is always around . I still shudder when I think of my hospitalisation during Covid period .

COVID had assumed gigantic proportions as a pandemic, affecting entire humanity adversely. I was its victim last year. Ankur , our son was in America and was in constant touch with doctors looking after me at Max super speciality Saket.

Shafu ensured that I got the best treatment. I was in hospital for nineteen days. COVID affected my lungs and at times my oxygen level dipped to 72. I was on oxygen for twenty four hours a day. I was lucky to survive. Shafu left no stone unturned to arrange plasma which was administered twice. She stood on her toes for more than  two weeks running around till she brought me home.

The big question is why daughters are so much attached to their parents and maternal family . What happens to same daughters when they become daughter in laws . Respect towards own parents and family is excellent thing but why not show a small part of it towards in laws . I am talking of general trend  . No doubt good daughter in laws also exist . As they say , it takes all sort of people to make this world . For ages , good ,bad and ugly have co existed . But unfortunately , what you observe in society is a general apathy towards  in-laws by Daughters  in law .

7

I personally know several cases where daughters made huge sacrifices to make their parents' lives comfortable, unfortunately I am not aware of many cases where daughters-in-law came out of their comfort zone to bring little happiness to their in-laws. A classic battle is always on between the saas (mother-in-law) and bahu (daughter-in-law) to grab the attention of the husband/son, who is a reluctant judge. His verdict is usually in favor of his wife, as his survival depends on it.

I remember my sister Rama and brother-in-law Mohinder Chopra settling down in Bhopal after he retired from the Central Industrial Security Force as Deputy Inspector General. They had their own independent bungalow, and Mohinder found re-employment with an industrial house. They were well settled, but there was one problem. Rama was highly allergic and had several complications, including asthma. They had three children, a son and two daughters. Their two daughters, Mitali and Shivali, were settled in Mumbai.

Mitali had the foresight to anticipate that her mother would require care and nursing in advancing years. She persuaded her parents to shift to Mumbai so that the sisters could look after their mother. Of course, it required a lot of persuasion and hard work, but her decision proved to be right. Rama’s health has been deteriorating, and she has been in and out of the hospital several times. Through the dedication, love, and perseverance of Mitali and her sister, Rama has pulled through critical health situations.

Now, tell me, can you expect this level of care from a son and daughter-in-law?

I know of another case where a father required a liver transplant. He has a son and a daughter. Everyone thought they would look for a donor, but the daughter came forward and gave her liver to save her father’s life. She is young and unmarried but insisted on making this sacrifice. Her plea was, "I am young; my liver will grow again, but nothing is more precious than my father's life." The operation proved to be a success, and both father and daughter are on the road to recovery.

I also remember the tale of two daughters who pooled their money to buy their parents a flat just next to the flat of the daughter who lives in Dwarka, Delhi. The second daughter is settled in Canada. Their plea is, "Our parents are getting old, and if they live near us, we can look after them better." Remember, the parents already have a flat of their own in Vikaspuri. It only reflects the love of daughters for mama and papa.

Sometimes back, my younger sister narrated a heart-wrenching tale about a mother in Bhopal. She lost her husband, and her only son came all the way from America. His wife and kids stayed back in the USA. He performed the last rites of his father and persuaded his mother to come with him to America, selling their house and shifting her accounts. At the airport, he told his mother that he would be back in a few minutes after making some inquiries about the flight, but he never returned. He took the flight to America, leaving his mother behind.

The poor lady now lives in the garage of neighbours and earns a livelihood by doing household chores in the area. Believe me, it was a well-planned scheme by the beta (son) and bahu (daughter-in-law) to dupe their hapless mother.

Let us consider another scenario where a daughter would go to any extent to help her parents and siblings but would keep no connection with her in-laws. In several such cases, the boy is equally at fault as he fully supports his wife.

In earlier days, parents advised the girl at the time of her wedding, "You are leaving this house as a bride; please ensure you stay there until your last breath." Now, a bride is told, "Never compromise on your self-respect. The doors of your parental home are always open for you." It is a good thing; it gives the bride the confidence never to compromise on her integrity. But she should also be advised never to leave her in-laws' house in a huff over petty matters. Learning to be flexible, patient, and adjustable is essential.

Pray and hope daughters-in-law behave like daughters, and likewise, they are treated like daughters. If we can bridge this gap of understanding and compassion, perhaps marriages can be sustained, and this age-old institution can attain its previous glory again.

As we reflect on these circumstances, it becomes clear that love and respect should not be conditional. The family should be seen as a united front where every member is valued equally, irrespective of their role. Hence, both daughters and daughters-in-law must recognise that nurturing their relationships with each other is vital for a harmonious family life.

Ultimately, the goal should be building a legacy of kindness and compassion, where future generations see families as support systems rather than battlegrounds for ego and pride. If we can instill these values in our children from a young age, perhaps we will see a shift in the dynamics between daughters and daughters-in-law in the coming years. By fostering open communication and empathy, we can end the cycle of resentment and misunderstanding between in-laws and create bonds that last through time.

Only then can families truly flourish, creating a lasting impact that transcends individual differences and celebrates the love that binds us all.